How To Be In a Healthy Relationship: The Start Your Night Off Right Technique
How To Be In a Healthy Relationship – The Start Your Night Off Right Technique
As a busy and successful professional, you have very little extra time. Most relationship advice and tips focus on increasing time spent with your partner. But as a professional, finding extra time to spend with your partner can be almost impossible.
The good news is there is another way.
We believe the quality of time you spend together is much more important than the quantity of time.
You can dramatically improve your relationship by spending quality time together in short bursts.
The Start Your Night Off Right Technique will help you connect as a couple when coming home from work. If you can spend just minutes fully present, focused on and connected with your partner it can make a huge difference in your relationship.
Watch the video Ashley made for you about The Start Your Night Off Right Technique.
Click Here for More Tips on How to Transform Your Relationship
Marriage Breakdown 101: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Famed Psychologist and Marriage Researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified 4 communication behaviors that are signs of a marriage breakdown.
Dr. Gottman named these behaviors The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Before you start thinking your relationship is doomed or you’re headed for a marriage breakdown, these behaviors are often reversible.
The first step is being aware that you and your partner are engaging in these destructive behaviors. Also, all couples use these behaviors at times, but what’s important is how often they occur.
Marriage Breakdown 101: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- 1. Contempt = Talking down to your partner with hurtful and mean sarcasm and humor. Often passive-aggressive humor and hurtful putdowns are used while talking about random topics.
- 2. Criticism = This is complaining on steroids. You not only complain about what your partner is doing but you make your partner a bad person. Your partner is no longer a mistake prone human being who did something stupid, but is now a complete and utterly stupid person.
- 3. Defensiveness = Reacting to your partner by blaming everything on your partner or others, making yourself the victim and taking zero responsibility for the status of your relationship.
- 4. Stonewalling = Checking out of the conversation both mentally and emotionally. Taking steps to avoid the real issues.
The 5 minute video below will show you these behaviors in action so you know what they look like
Where the Hell Are You….In Your Love Life
We love San Francisco. We love going there for weekend romantic getaways. In fact, our favorite Italian restaurant in the whole world is there, Franchino’s. It’s the kind of restaurant where it feels like your mother is doing the cooking, only its a version of your mother that is an even better cook. It’s run by an Italian family. The father is the host and runs the front end of the restaurant (every day is his birthday apparently), the mother is the cook, and the son and daughter are the waiter and waitress. They cook the best Italian food we’ve ever had and it’s located in Little Italy in San Francisco.
The first time we went there, there was a long wait to get a table because the food is so mouthwatering good, and the owner brought us out two glasses of red wine to drink and enjoy while we were waiting outside on the sidewalk.
Now that’s how you treat your customers (even though we’re not sure it’s even legal to drink wine on the sidewalk) but it made us feel special.
On one of our trips we went there and had a wonderful, amazing meal, red wine, and good conversation. Afterwards we went for a little walk, actually a long walk. We wondered through Little Italy and into other areas of San Francisco. And we kept walking and walking. We had a map with us because we eventually wanted to go to Ghirardelli Square and have some amazing milk chocolate dessert. After walking for a while, we pulled out our map and located Ghirardelli Square. There was a slight problem though…..
As we looked at the map, Michael said okay that’s where we want to go but where the hell are we? Although we knew what we wanted and where we wanted to go, we had no clue where the hell we were.
Now how does this relate to your love life?
Well, it does, and we’re about to tell you how.
Many of our clients, when they come to see us for counseling, know what kind of relationship they want or the kind of partner they want or even how they’d like their current relationship to change for the better. And that’s good, you should know that. But often they don’t have a clue where they currently are in their relationship or love life.
Do you know where you are now in your relationship or in your love life?
If you don’t know where you are now you won’t know how to get to where you want to go. It was the same problem we had in San Francisco. We knew where we wanted to go, but we didn’t know where we were.
So back to the story, as we looked at the map we couldn’t figure out how to get to Ghirardelli Square. We kept walking and walking. It was kind of late at night so there weren’t very many people outside. We eventually ran into someone and asked, well, where are we? (hey what a novel idea, especially for the men out there) And he told us, in fact our new friend showed us where we were on the map. ah-ha! Victory! Fireworks bursting in the air! Ya we know we’re dramatic sometimes but it really did feel great and comforting to know where we were. It only took a few seconds to chart a course to get to Ghirardelli Square once we knew where we were…… And the same thing is true of your love life.
The secret key to transforming your love life is to know where you are now and where you want to go in the future. You have to have both or it doesn’t work.
Let’s take a look at the different places you could be in your love life
- You’re single and avoiding a relationship at all costs
- You’re single and stuck in your last relationship (mentally and emotionally)
- You’re single and ready to mingle
- You’re in a relationship but your looking for a way out
- You’re in a relationship with little passion and little love
- You’re in a relationship with passion but little love
- You’re in a relationship with love but little passion
- You’re in a relationship with lots of love and passion
You’re single and avoiding a relationship at all costs
In this place you have been so hurt by previous experiences or by watching other people’s bad relationship experiences (parents, family members, friends) that you have decided it’s better to avoid love because it only ends in heartache and misery. It may feel safer and more comfortable to you to be single forever than to take the risk of dating one more time.
You’re single and stuck in your last relationship (mentally and emotionally)
You are single but you’re still mentally and emotionally involved with your last lover. Maybe you still have sex with him/her occasionally or maybe you just relive fights with the person in your mind. You might be co-parenting and even working out schedules for the kids leaves you back in that painful emotional place you were when you were together. You feel like it’s almost impossible to move on and date again because your emotional energy is still with this other person. You’re friends and family may have told you to just to move on but for some reason you haven’t been able to.
You’re single and ready to mingle
You are ready to find love and make it last. You don’t ever want to settle again and you want to find Mr./Mrs. Right. You may be struggling with navigating the dating world, trying to figure out online dating or meet up groups. Your not in college anymore so pounding jaeger bombs and making out with someone at the bar isn’t your thing. Your friends may be trying to set you up with every person they know that they think is right for you (meaning he/she doesn’t have a felony criminal record).
You’re in a relationship but your looking for a way out
Yes, your in a relationship but not really….. You are looking for a way out or a good reason to end it. Mentally and emotionally you’ve already left and you are just waiting for “the right time” or for your partner to end it. Maybe you’ve been focusing more on your work, kids or other interests to avoid your partner. Maybe you’ve been thinking about what your going to do once you do leave such as going back to school, moving out of state, or looking up your ex-lover from high-school.
You’re in a relationship with little passion and little love
You and your partner are roommates. There is little to no passion, attraction and sexual chemistry. There is also little love between the two of you. You just sort of pass each other by with little involvement day to day. You may feel resentment toward your partner but mainly you don’t feel anything….just blahh. The relationship is too comfortable to leave but too bad to stay so your in limbo.
You’re in a relationship with passion but little love
In this place, you and your lover have lots of passion. You have an undeniable sexual chemistry and attraction for each other. The sex is good…too good in fact because you might know this person isn’t right for you long term but can’t get enough right now. You don’t love each other, don’t have similar interests or values but damn the sex is good.
You’re in a relationship with love but little passion
Your in love with your partner but you have little passion, attraction and sexual chemistry. Maybe you’re very close with your partner and best friends. Maybe kids, work and other stressors have gotten in the way of romance and passion. Most people would say you have a great relationship. However, you miss the exciting feeling of passion, romance and attraction (so you settle for reading fifty shades of grey)
You’re in a relationship with lots of love and passion
Your relationship is full of love and passion and you want to keep it that way. You know that a relationship is either growing or deteriorating so you want to keep evolving with your lover in ways that support your love and passion.
So those are the 8 places you could be in your love life. Take a few minutes, be honest with yourself and think about what place you are at.
You don’t have to make any changes today (that’s coming later), but simply evaluate where you are currently in your love life. This will help you to create the map of your love life and eventually get to where you want to go.
Dealing with a Long Distance Relationship
Mailbag Question: Dealing with a Long Distance Relationship
I moved to Texas with the intention of working there for a year, maybe more. Within the first three months I met a man and we hit it off from the start. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man in terms of personality and morals. We got to the stage of deciding whether to take things to the next level (boyfriend and girlfriend). This was before I went through some troubles at work. He stood by me 100% of the way and was extremely supportive.
I ended up moving states and I am just not sure I know how to make the long distance work (I really would like to be with him again). In conversations, I have picked up that he still wants a future with me. I am tied up in this contract for another 7 and half months, is it worth trying the long distance or should I move on?
Answer: Dealing with a Long Distance Relationship
Dealing with a long distance relationship is often difficult to wrap your head around. It seems like you found someone who you really connect with and that the two of you share many values. He seemed to show through his actions (during your struggles at work) that he was there for you, which is a good sign for a potential relationship.
I believe long distance relationships are hard, but when done right can work just fine. I’ve seen couples that are in the military, travel frequently or are in situations similar to yours be very successful in dealing with a long distance relationship. I’ve also seen couples struggle to make it work.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me your heart is saying let’s give this long distance thing a shot. If that’s the case I would really listen to your heart and go with it, especially since it sounds like you could be together in 7 months. Often we hold back and don’t go all out for love due to fear of what could happen and I think that is a mistake. If you are going to be hurt or let down it will happen whether you go for it or not.
You have a much greater chance at happiness when you go for what you want and have confidence you will be able to cope no matter what the outcome.
If you do go for it, there are a couple of things I would recommend for dealing with a long distance relationship. It will be important for you to communicate with each other in a much more deliberate and purposeful way. You’ll want to use all the technology you have available to keep in touch with each other and ping the other person with loving and passionate messages. You can use your phone, email, text, IM, Skype and other forms of communication to keep the love and passion alive while in different area codes.
I would recommend that you don’t try to solve problems through email or text because there is a greater chance of miscommunication and misinterpretation when communicating long distance. Talking about problems or issues is best done on Skype or over the phone. There are specific ways to communicate in a long distance relationship over the phone, email and text, which help to improve a long distance relationship, which we talk about in our Passionate Texting Program. Please go check it out if you are interested.
Click Here for our Passionate Texting Program
In a long distance relationship, it is important to setup your relationship guidelines right from the outset so that each of you know what is expected. It is good to ask each other the tough questions you may avoid at first if you were living in the same area regarding sex and other people of the opposite sex. It is also important to discuss who, what when and where in regards to visiting each other.
Another thing you can do that’s helpful is to pursue common interests or activities separately but at the same time so you can share in the excitement of the process together.
Finally, when you are together or communicating with each other make that time count. Most people who live with a lover take for granted the time they spend together. You will have an advantage because you will be reminded how precious your time is together and to take advantage of it whenever possible.
Click Here for our Passionate Texting Program
Relationships Suck….Sometimes
Relationships suck sometimes. That’s right. We said it. Relationships suck sometimes.
Whether you’ve been cheated on or you’ve been dumped by the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. It sucks.
Maybe, you’ve been in a long-term relationship or you’re married and things were good at first but have just slowly dwindled down to nothing; no passion, little love – just sort of roommates passing by as the days go on. It sucks.
Maybe you’re constantly fighting. You don’t agree about anything. You don’t seem to have anything in common any more and you just don’t see any end in sight to the fighting. It sucks, big time.
Maybe you hate your lover’s family or friends. You don’t get along with them. They constantly get in the way of your relationship. And they’re bringing you down too. It sucks.
Maybe your lover has lied to you. It could be a little lie. It could be a big lie. It sucks.
Maybe you and your lover just can’t agree on how to parent your child or children. You don’t seem to be on the same page about parenting, about discipline, about what to give the children … It really sucks.
Or maybe you’re just constantly fighting about money. Maybe one of you lost your job or is trying to find a better job. One of you spends a lot; one of you doesn’t. You just don’t seem to have the same ideas about money; how to save it; how to spend it. It sucks.
When your love life is not going well, life can be hell. When you and your lover, disagree, constantly fight or just ignore each other, you can feel more alone than if you were not in a relationship.
You can feel more distant, more isolated, more scared and more confused. That’s right. Relationships really suck sometimes.
How is that you could be in a relationship with someone you once were attracted to, loved, got along with and you’re now more miserable, more alone, more confused and more scared than you’ve ever been. It really sucks.
So when things are going bad in your love life it can bring everything down in your life; your career, how you are with your friends, your family, your children – how you feel about yourself. Often, how you feel about yourself is tied very closely to your love life.
Do you sometimes feel guilty or feel really bad about yourself because of what’s going on in your love life? Maybe you feel sad and like you have nothing to give or maybe you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Relationships really suck sometimes.
No matter where you are in your love life, you’re probably reading this because you want to change it in some way.
Whether you’re in a relationship and miserable, in a relationship and want to improve the love and passion you feel, or single and looking to find love, we will be providing you with many tips, strategies and advice on how you can improve your love life and change things for the better.
We all know that being happy and in love can dramatically transform your life for the better, and we all hope to share our lives with someone we love.
But this post isn’t about that. It’s about acknowledging that yes, sometimes relationships really suck. We all feel that sometimes. And there’s no amount of positive thinking that will change that. It’s just a fact. Sometimes relationships really suck. And it’s good just to acknowledge it; that it’s normal, that we all go through it and that you’re not alone.
At crucial habits we are here with you and get how much relationships can suck sometimes. We want to support you. We want to help you find love and make it last. But right now, we just want to acknowledge that yes, sometimes relationships really suck. Not all the time, not even most of the time, but definitely sometimes.
If you would like to tell us about your relationship or what’s bothering you, you can go to weareheretosupportyou.com and tell us all about it.
In the meantime, hang in there. You can do it and make it through this. In the days and weeks ahead we will show you how you can find love and make it last.
How to Get Your Partner’s Undivided Attention Today
Today you are going to learn how to get your partner focused on YOU.
Yes, that’s right…… I know it sounds impossible but just keep reading and you can believe us later
In our Passionate Texting Program, we teach you a step-by-step system to get your partner hooked on thinking about and interacting with you so that you can heat things up between the two of you at home.
Now, we are going to share with you part of Section: 8 Spotlight Texts – Getting Your Partner’s Undivided Attention from the Passionate Texting Program
If you have been with your partner for some time, you probably text about who is going to pick up the groceries on the way home or drop the dry cleaning off on the way to work. Texting often becomes a virtual to do list and the unfortunate part is that we are so attached to our cell phones that we can easily get overwhelmed by the growing number of tasks that somehow accumulate through our cell phones and text messages.
Imagine yourself going about your normal day-to-day activities, whether that is going to work, school, or taking care of the kids. Everything in your day seems to be going wrong. You spill your delicious latte all over you and, damn, you really could have used that caffeine because you couldn’t sleep last night because you were worrying about all the stupid crap you had to do today. You are running late on basically everything.
Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, you get a text from your partner saying “You are so…”. A smirk rolls across your face just thinking about how good it feels to be acknowledged and paid attention to during your crappy day. Now you are curious, so you reply “I am so what?” Your partner responds, “You are so amazing in every way.”
Your partner just put a spotlight on you and damn that feels so good! Suddenly, this day perked up and things don’t seem so dour. As the laws of reciprocation go the more you send Spotlight Texts to your partner, the more likely they will be to send Spotlight Texts to you!
In its most basic form, a Spotlight Text is a brief attention grabber that you send to your partner at a random time during the day in order to catch them off guard and get them intrigued about how you intend to finish the sentence.
The best part is that Spotlight Texts are ridiculously hard to ignore because they are so enticing that your partner will not be able to handle the thought of you not finishing your sentence!
The goal is to draw your partner in with a short, incomplete text followed by a “…” (whichis called an ellipsis for all you English geeks out there)
Here are some Examples:
a. “I was thinking…
b. “You are so…
c. “I can’t stop thinking about…
d. “If we were together right now, I would…
e. “I want to…
f. “I can’t believe…
g. “If you only knew how much I…
After your initial Spotlight Text, you can decide what to send next depending on your partner’s response. Often a follow up Honeymoon Text or Passion Text is perfect to send to keep the sexy and flirty textersation going.
Click the link below If you’d like to find out more about Honeymoon and Passion Texts or about the Passionate Texting Program
Click Here for the Passionate Texting Program
7 Red Flags in Relationships to look out for and How to Never Settle for Less Than What You Know You Deserve
When it comes to relationships, to each his own. Some things work for certain relationships, but not for others.
However, there are certain red flags in relationships that you can identify right off the bat that usually lead to conflict down the road.
Rudeness toward Friends, Family, Coworkers, and Customer Service Personnel
This may feel like something you can easily let slide, especially in the beginning of a new relationship. You may not think it is a big deal if someone talks down to a waiter or cashier, but if you pay close attention, you will most likely notice them being rude to other people also.
If someone is being rude to other people in their lives and around them, it is likely that they will eventually be rude to you.
He/She ONLY Talks about Themselves
This is NEVER a good sign. For example, you start off telling a story…”One time I got stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire…” Before you can even finish your story, the other person takes over “I got stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire too AND….” Blah blah blah.
Someone who is always talking about themselves could either be very selfish or very insecure. Both are incredibly difficult obstacles to overcome in a relationship.
He/She is Secretive
Secretive behavior is one of the first signs that someone is not being honest. Be aware if:
1. Your flame doesn’t respond to your calls or texts for extended periods of time.
2. He/she doesn’t want you to meet any of his/her family, friends, or co-workers.
3. You have never visited his/her place.
All of these are signs that you are either not worth making a part of their life or they have someone else in their life that they are trying to hide from you.
He/She is Critical of You Physically or Emotionally
Take note of comments that your date makes to you. There is a difference between criticism and constructive criticism. Of course we want the person we are with to make suggestions to us and to help us problem-solve at times.
But, we don’t want the person we are with to constantly comment on the things about ourselves that are a work in progress. There is a big difference between someone saying “You should really quit smoking. It’s gross and dirty.” And “Honey, I am really worried about your health because I have heard so many things about what cigarettes can do to your health.”
Someone who eagerly wants you to change is not accepting of who you really are.
The Ex is STILL in the Picture
There is really only one time when it is acceptable for your current flame to have contact with the ex: if they share children. Other than that, there is absolutely no reason why an ex should be involved in your lives.
Even if the ex isn’t in the picture, constant talking about an ex is not a good sign either.
Heavy Flirting with or Checking out the Opposite Sex When they are With You
Everyone deserves to be the apple of their mate’s eye. Wandering eyes may be a sign that your partner is looking to see what other fish are in the sea. Flirting with people in front of you is just plain disrespectful.
If your flame is flirting with people in front of you, you might want to think about what they are doing when you aren’t there.
Spending More Time with “Friends” of the Opposite Sex than with You
“Friends” of the opposite sex are rarely just “friends” unless there are certain boundaries that you follow in your relationship. Maybe you have a friend of the opposite sex that you have had for a long time. You genuinely feel no sexual attraction to them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t feel any sexual attraction to you.
So, it is usually best to create some clear boundaries about what is and isn’t ok in the relationship. Here are a couple of suggestions:
1. Have a conversation with your partner about what each person is comfortable with in terms of spending time with friends of the opposite sex. Are you comfortable with late night phone calls? Dinners just the two of them? Or do you prefer to tag along? Be honest about what feels right to you and don’t hold back. It is better to tell someone you are uncomfortable with something up front than it is to try to go back on what you have already said was ok.
2. Always introduce your partner to opposite sex friend as soon as possible.
3. Consider only spending time with the friend when your partner is there. It is a good way for them to get to know each other.
4. Watch the interaction between your flame and the friend. Does the flame or friend seem uncomfortable? How do they seem to get along together? If these two people are going to stay in your life, it is important they are comfortable with each other.
5. If your friend is disrespecting your relationship boundaries, you may want to reconsider how important this person is to you. Is it worth giving up your relationship to keep this friend around?
Recognizing red flags in relationships is one thing. Changing your response to red flags in relationships is another.
We have instincts for a reason. We often question whether our instincts are “right”.
Most often, our problem is not whether or not our instincts are right, but that we struggle to trust them. If something feels fishy, it probably is! Don’t be afraid to ask questions about your concerns. If you don’t get straight answers, then it may be time to move on.
Never Settle for Less than What You Know You Deserve
Step #1
The best way to avoid settling is to take some time to jot down the qualities you are really looking for in a mate. This may sound simple, but when you really do some soul-searching you will most likely discover there are quite a few qualities you are looking for. Start with the most important qualities like trustworthy, honest, attentive, etc. Then write down things you would like: outgoing, loves outdoor activities, eats sushi, etc.
Step #2
Next to each quality, write down whether or not you are willing to compromise on that quality. For example, trustworthy = not willing to compromise; eats sushi = willing to compromise. Do not be worried about what anyone else might think about this list. This is your list and it’s only for you. So, be very honest with yourself.
Step #3
Once you have decided on what you are and aren’t willing to compromise on, put your list in order of importance. First order the not willing to compromises, then the willing to compromises.
Step #4
Whenever you are interested in someone or start to date them, refer back to this list often. You want to look at it at least every couple of weeks as you get to know this person. If the person doesn’t have the qualities you’ve put at the top of your list, pay attention to that red flag even if they’re sexy and make you feel good in the moment!
Relationship Advice for Women by Women: Tracy Kiggen
Career and Relationship Advice for Women by Women is a series of stories and experiences from professional women navigating both career and personal success. We believe it’s important to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. Maybe, you will be inspired by the courageous actions of others to fulfill their dreams. Hopefully, you will be able to breakthrough any limitations that are self or other imposed and learn from other women’s real life successes and challenges.
Nobody is perfect and none of these stories are a cookie cutter blue print for what you should do. Feel free to pick out the parts that mean something to you and throw away the rest. We are a community of professionals supporting each other throughout the process of discovering what works best and what doesn’t. Come Join Us.
Enter, Tracy Kiggen CEO ARTovator
What is your specific job title and what field are you in?
CEO ARTovator and Body Artist in the Entertainment Industry
As a professional woman, what have been the 2 or 3 biggest challenges you have faced in striving for success both professionally and personally?
Balancing family life with my career. I strive to be the best mother first and always want to be able to provide the best for my child which means I have to work hard on my business. Time doesn’t allow me to do them both equally and therefore I have to make sacrifices.
If you were to do it all over again, what would you do differently in your intimate relationships?
I would value my family’s opinions.
How do you protect yourself from outside pressures or criticism (from family,friends, and society) about wanting both a career and fulfilling relationships?
I set boundaries and explain to them how I am going to live MY life, MY way.
As a professional woman, what do you think you consciously do that helps your personal relationships?
I follow good ethics which extend from my great sense of morals that I already established through my family.
What daily habits do you think help or hurt your personal relationships?
Routine doesn’t allow for many spontaneous moments in my life and this could affect any new relationships as well.
How do you manage your time so you can have a successful career and fulfilling relationships?
I allocate hours for work and since I am an artist those are spent drawing or designing, this means that my daughter can do her own art alongside me.
What kind of support system would you recommend in helping a woman succeed professionally and personally?
Family, friends, and your own personal space are absolutely necessary. Set boundaries on how you are going to handle them.
What do you specifically look for in a partner or want to avoid in a partner as a professional woman?
Honesty, loyalty, and hard working are traits that I treasure in myself, therefore I expect the same in my partner. I want to avoid the liars and the ones who don’t want families, that’s normally a bad sign.
How do you decide what’s important to you or prioritize your attention and energy?
What’s important is obvious – my daughter. My goal is to be the best mom I can be and with that means I have to be happy and what makes me happy is creating, so I make sure I do that well.
What kind of self-care do you practice?
I meditate, use aroma therapy, and read inspirational/ motivational books.
What were some of your “Aha!” moments, when you discovered new ways of making your career and personal life coexist successfully?
Sharing and incorporating them together made it easier for me. I used to keep my personal life a secret and my business a secret from my family. I learned that sharing stories between the two made both sides appreciative of me and made me feel like I am living one life instead of two.
Are there any resources you could recommend to other professional women?
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and the government. There are loads of programs to help further your career, provide assistance and make life a little easier on you. I also learned that accepting instead of always giving is okay too.
What advice would you give to a professional woman regarding intimate relationships?
Just follow your heart and be yourself. Also try to remember that wherever you are is exactly where the universe wants you to be so be good or be good at it.
Tracy Kiggen is the CEO of ARTovator
ARTovator offers first-rate professional face painting and body art for both private and corporate functions in the southern California region. Our skilled artist will help your young guests select from one of our many lively designs, and then hand paint the colorful image in just a matter of minutes! We can also create customized designs to fit your specific occasion.
ARTovator – Face Painting with Love
Call Tracy to transform your next party or event into a stunning success
619.977.1199 or visit www.ARTovator.com
Make Your Marriage Work By Using Pain as a Weapon for Good
Wow that title sounds sinister doesn’t it!
No, I didn’t write an article about how to make your marriage work by using a weapon on your partner. I’m talking about using pain as a weapon for good against yourself to make your marriage work!
Let me ask you a few questions:
All marriages have seasons (or ups and downs), but how do you currently try to make your marriage work?
How do you withstand the seasons of your marriage?
Do you try everything you can to hide from and avoid problems or do you tackle them as quickly as possible?
Today, I’ll share with you one way to make it through the tough times and create more love and passion in your marriage.
First, let me tell you a little story!
Have you ever had problems paying your bills? Years ago, I racked up some credit card debt. As a broke student, I didn’t think there was any way I could pay the debt off.
So what did I do?
I started avoiding all of my bills. At first, it felt great. I didn’t have to worry about my mounting debt and I could instantly feel better by hiding from my money problems.
Whenever I did briefly focus on my financial situation, I concocted all kinds of reasons why my financial woes were other people’s or company’s fault.
Eventually, I couldn’t avoid my bills very effectively. I still wasn’t paying most of them, but my thoughts were soon consumed by my increasing financial problems. I became stressed out, had difficulties sleeping and generally just wanted to crawl into a cave and hide.
That’s when I reached my pain threshold, where the pain of not handling the problem was bigger and more real than the pain of doing something.
I immediately took action, made sacrifices, stopped spending on stupid things I didn’t really care about, and paid off all of my debt in a couple of years.
Once I stopped avoiding the problems and had a plan to deal with them, I started sleeping again and didn’t feel like my head was going to explode from stress any more. I could actually relax and enjoy life again.
When I look back on that time in my life now, it all seems silly and unnecessary. I didn’t really have a problem with money. Everything happened because of my avoidance of the situation.
At the time, I believed that the pain of looking in the mirror (or in this case my bills) and doing something about it was greater than the pain of avoiding my problems.
I was running from my problems to seek relief, but ended up in pain.
Have you ever done that? Financially or otherwise?
How Do You Use Pain in your Marriage?
Does pain keep you stuck?
Most of us allow perceived pain and fear to keep us stuck in our relationships and to avoid problems.
We get into the habit of avoiding dealing with issues because it feels good in the moment and we perceive it would be really painful to take a look at our own choices.
Even if we are facing our problems, we aren’t looking at what really matters! Our own choices are the most crucial factor in determining our relationship happiness. Instead, we tend to blame our partner, in-laws, or anyone else that we can pin our problems on. Soon enough, our relationship begins to look like the financial situation I described above.
I get it, many of your relationship problems may be as a result of your partner’s actions. But, if you want to make your marriage work, the best thing you can do is to look at yourself and how you can start to make better choices.
The current state of your marriage is a result of both your partner’s and YOUR choices. If you don’t do some work on yourself, I can almost guarantee you will find yourself in the same relationship situation again, whether it’s with your current partner or someone else.
The more you avoid looking at your own choices, the more pain you will feel in the end.
Create the Habit of Focusing on Your Choices
Remember when I said most people run from their problems and avoid looking at their own choices to seek relief but end up in more pain?
People in loving, passionate marriages have often created the habit of enduring the small initial pain of examining their own choices and end up feeling relieved and great pleasure in the end.
To make your relationship work you need to start using pain differently.
What if instead of focusing on the possible pain of looking at your own choices, you started focusing on the pain of not looking at yourself or making a change?
To get unstuck and improve your relationship you can use pain and pleasure in two ways.
– Focus your attention on how not looking at your own choices or changing your behavior will be more painful than doing so
– Focus your attention on how looking at your own choices and changing your own behavior will bring you immediate pleasure
Answer these questions to start using Pain and Pleasure to make your relationship work:
– What short-term pain have you associated to examining your own choices or behavior?
– What short-term pleasure have you felt from not examining your own choices or behavior? (relief, sense of comfort, certainty it’s all your partner’s fault etc…)
– Describe in detail what will happen if you don’t look at your own choices or behavior? Will you stay stuck? Will you get a divorce? Will you be single and lonely? Will you find yourself in the exact same painful situation with your next partner? What will you lose? What dreams will you have to give up if you don’t change? With your current choices and behavior, what quality of marriage do you see for yourself next year? In 5 years? In 10 years?
– How will focusing on making better choices and changing your own behavior improve your relationship right now? What immediate benefits would you experience? How would it help you feel more happiness, passion and love in your relationship?
Career & Relationship Advice for Women by Women: Jasbina Ahluwalia
Career and Relationship Advice for Women by Women is a series of stories and experiences from professional women navigating both career and personal success. We believe it’s important to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. Maybe, you will be inspired by the courageous actions of others to fulfill their dreams. Hopefully, you will be able to breakthrough any limitations that are self or other imposed and learn from other women’s real life successes and challenges.
Nobody is perfect and none of these stories are a cookie cutter blue print for what you should do. Feel free to pick out the parts that mean something to you and throw away the rest. We are a community of professionals supporting each other throughout the process of discovering what works best and what doesn’t. Come Join Us.
Enter, Jasbina Ahluwalia
What is your specific job title and what field are you in?
I’m a female Lawyer-turned Entrepreneur, Dating Coach, Matchmaker and Radio Show Host. I’m the President of INTERSECTIONS Match, the only national elite personalized service focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the United States.
As a professional woman, what have been the 2 or 3 biggest challenges you have faced in striving for success both professionally and personally?
No need for two or three–my fundamental challenge has always been just too few hours in the day.
What do you do to take of yourself emotionally?
Articulate my needs with my loved ones, most fundamentally my spouse.
If you were to do it all over again, what would you do differently in your intimate relationships?
Nothing, as I am a work-in-progress and my experiences continue to lead to my evolution.
How do you protect yourself from outside pressures or criticism (from family,friends, and society) about wanting both a career and fulfilling relationships?
I believe fulfilling relationships and a productive life (in whatever form most meaningful to the individual) are not only not mutually exclusive, but to the contrary tend to feed off of each other in a positive way.
This belief (together with my internal compass as to my values and priorities) allows me to glean helpful nuggets from the thoughts/guidance of others while at the same time dismiss that which does not resonate.
As a professional woman, what do you think you consciously do that helps your personal relationships?
Self-nurture to be able to nurture others.
What daily habits do you think help or hurt your personal relationships?
Help: Adopting energy-optimizing habits such as Health-conscious living, ie exercise and healthy eating; as well as appreciating the simple things in life.
How do you manage your time so you can have a successful career and fulfilling relationships?
Identify core activities which serve multiple professional purposes; and create opportunities to increase the utilization what you produce via these core activities. For example, much of what I learn via my interactions with our dating coaching and matchmaking clients, together with my readings regarding relationships, is utilized as I serve in my roles as a dating coach, dating columnist, moderator of dating and relationship dialogues (in-person as well as in my role as a dating and relationship columnist), matchmaker and radio show host.
I have identified essential activities I can successfully combine (ie I combine my professional reading with my workouts). I have Identified essential activities with respect to my professional and personal life (based on my own strengths, interests, and priorities) and delegate and/or automate the rest to allow me to focus on my essential activities without distraction.
I guard my To-Do list to ensure my calendar reflects my personal and professional priorities and values (as opposed to allowing the priorities of others to redirect my time and energies)
What kind of support system would you recommend in helping a woman succeed professionally and personally?
Supportive significant other.
What do you specifically look for in a partner or want to avoid in a partner as a professional woman?
Seek: Support
How do you decide what’s important to you or prioritize your attention and energy?
My values and priorities serve as my compass. I recommend people self-audit their calendars and wallets to ensure they invest their precious resources in alignment with their values and priorities.
What kind of self-care do you practice?
Regular exercise, healthful eating.
What advice would you give to a professional woman regarding intimate relationships?
Precious intimate relationships deserve no less care, energy, devotion, proactivity and focus as professional endeavors.
Many professional women who wouldnt even consider leaving their professional life purely to chance nevertheless leave their personal lives to chance.
Jasbina Ahluwalia has many useful insights for professional women regarding dating and relationships. You can find out more about her or contact her in the following ways.
By Phone (650) 814-8091
Founder & President Intersections Match
Career & Relationship Advice for Women by Women: Angela O’Mara
Career and Relationship Advice for Women by Women is a series of stories and experiences from professional women navigating both career and personal success. We believe it’s important to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. Maybe, you will be inspired by the courageous actions of others to fulfill their dreams. Hopefully, you will be able to breakthrough any limitations that are self or other imposed and learn from other women’s real life successes and challenges.
Nobody is perfect and none of these stories are a cookie cutter blue print for what you should do. Feel free to pick out the parts that mean something to you and throw away the rest. We are a community of professionals supporting each other throughout the process of discovering what works best and what doesn’t. Come Join Us.
Enter, Angela O’Mara
What is Your Specific job title and what field are you in?
I am President of The Professional Image, Inc. A California based Public Relations Agency. www.theprofessionalimage.com I have over 22 years experience representing public relations (PR) clients to the national media. What began as a casual interest in understanding how people “get on TV,” I have taken PR beyond simply spinning a story. My agency works with any and all television stations, and has successfully placed clients on Good Morning America, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Entertainment Tonight and many other news outlets. I am the author of Lipstick.Laptops.Life., and am a frequent lecturer on how to effectively market a business and how to stay inspired about yourself and your job!
As a professional woman, what have been the 2 or 3 biggest challenges you have faced in striving for success both professionally and personally?
As a single mom who was self-employed and was raising three young children, the biggest challenges were time and finances. It was a juggling act to keep the business running smoothly, while tending to the needs and never-ending schedules of young children. However, I always felt grateful to the fact that I was able to put the children first because I ran my own company, and I could choose who I would work with.
What do you do to take of yourself emotionally?
Exercise is my way of keeping the stress levels down and working out any kind of frustration. When the kids were younger, we would all run together at the school track. As they grew older, we would go to the gym and do other forms of exercise together. It was a great way to be together and reduce stress. I also like to spend time alone and just walk, and reading is a great emotional escape for me.
How do you protect yourself from outside pressures or criticism (from family, friends, and society) about wanting both a career and fulfilling relationships?
My philosophy is “It’s my life and I will live it my way.” It’s also an easy quote to remember if anyone tries to tell me otherwise. Being self-fulfilled is important, so long as it isn’t coming from selfishness.
How do you manage your time so you can have a successful career and fulfilling relationships?
My personal life and business life have to work well together. I have learned to apply energies daily, weekly, monthly to the areas of life that are important to me such as friends, family, love life, fitness, health, business, etc. I then build time for each of these areas into my calendar and do a mental checklist each week to ensure that each area is getting my attention. Some weeks I have to focus more on the business, but I make sure that all the other areas are touched in some way. Other weeks it is just the opposite. But by keeping a careful eye on where my time and energy is spent, I am able to balance life, rather than juggle it.
What daily habits do you think help or hurt your personal relationships?
My daily attention to the areas of importance has certainly helped my relationships on all levels because most days I can enjoy my personal relationships. Being honest and open with family and colleagues is also really important. I also know that I need to feel good about me, in order to feel good about others. That is why exercise has become part of my daily habits, along with healthy eating, lots of water and a full night’s sleep.
What kind of self-care do you practice?
I build “free time” into my calendar before I put anything else in. Free Time could be a day off with the kids or the girls, a weekend away with my partner, or a family vacation. I build these in so that I can accomplish the necessary business activities to make sure that I get my “free” time where I can rest, rejuvenate and go back to work feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the world.
What kind of support system would you recommend in helping a woman succeed professionally and personally?
Many people think of a support system in terms of day care, nannies and girl friends. While those are equally important, my support system also includes my attorney, accountant, doctor, hair stylist, etc. All of these people are important to me because they are all necessary parts of my current and future success.
How do you decide what’s important to you or prioritize your attention and energy?
In my book Lipstick.Laptops.Life. I discuss the importance of deciding on the kind of life you want to create. Once a person decides exactly what they want, then they can go about deciding what is going to be required to make that life happen. Once I became clear on my own personal vision and goals, prioritizing my attention and energy came easy.
What were some of your “Aha!” moments, when you discovered new ways of making your career and personal life coexist successfully?
One “Aha!” moment was when my accountant told me one year that the company had brought in less money, but I had made more. I realized that I had cut a department from the company that, while it brought in revenue, was extremely draining of my time and energy. Once I cut it loose, I was able to focus on work that was more fulfilling and as a result I made more money. That “Aha!” moment also helped me use the extra time and money to spend with the family.
Are there any resources you could recommend to other professional women?
Well of course my book Lipstick.Laptops.Life. because it was written specifically to help women learn how to balance family and career. I have become a big fan of Facebook because I have met other amazing women who have been very encouraging. Joining local women’s networking groups is important because once you realize you are not alone, your confidence level just soars.
If you’re interested in discovering more of Angela’s unique insights into navigating a career as a women go to http://www.lipsticklaptopslife.com/
You can also check out her company at www.theprofessionalimage.com
Career & Relationship Advice for Women by Women: Dr. Kasmin Boswell-Delgado
Career and Relationship Advice for Women by Women is a series of stories and experiences from professional women navigating both career and personal success. We believe it’s important to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. Maybe, you will be inspired by the courageous actions of others to fulfill their dreams. Hopefully, you will be able to breakthrough any limitations that are self or other imposed and learn from other women’s real life successes and challenges.
Nobody is perfect and none of these stories are a cookie cutter blue print for what you should do. Feel free to pick out the parts that mean something to you and throw away the rest. We are a community of professionals supporting each other throughout the process of discovering what works best and what doesn’t. Come Join Us.
Enter, Dr. Kasmin Boswell-Delgado
What is Your Specific job title and what field are you in?
Clinical, Organizational, Sport Psychologist & Life Strategist. I work with practitioners, family units & individuals.
As a professional woman, what have been the 2 or 3 biggest challenges you have faced in striving for success both professionally and personally?
The 3 biggest challenges:
1) Being understood & supported in a way I deemed appropriate by my spouse, family & friends.
2) Blending my life with a husband who had 2 adult children without clearly defined boundaries.
3) Forging a path for my career advancement because of not fitting into a conventional mold. I have two bachelors, two masters & one doctorate degree. I am an Early Integration Specialist, Clinical Researcher, & Medical Science Liaison that’s a Clinical, Organizational & Sport Psychologist. I literally wanted to make certain I was always relevant to my life as well as the client’s lives I influence in the public & private sector.
What do you do to take of yourself emotionally?
I start my day in prayer; I review my plans for the day and always make certain to provide tangible encouragement to at least one person daily by creating an experience that’ll forever relish. Nothings greater than giving the gift of relevant presence. Most people can count on one hand, the times they felt someone truly connected with their real, felt needs. Life isn’t about things, it’s about meaningful relationships!
I also exercise for at least 1 hour per day. I make certain to use exercise time to debrief, relax, and re-focus.
If you were to do it all over again, what would you do differently in your intimate relationships?
Make sure you marry a spouse who always wants the best for you and will help you in any way they can.
Equally important is better boundaries! I think it’s so easy to take on so much, especially as a woman who’s in a Helping Profession. I also would deal with my disagreements differently. I would schedule times to talk, make certain my spouse and I had pre-established ground rules for making sure that we resolved conflict amicably. I would make certain to understand my spouse in such a way that we learned to disagree without making it mean its “time to go our separate ways.” In a relationship, its about covenant, rather than contract. Covenant thinking and behaving says “I’m here for the long haul. You’re my lover, partner, confidant & friend. There’s NOTHING we cannot make it through because of our loyalty and mutual regard for one another.”
How do you protect yourself from outside pressures or criticism (from family, friends, and society) about wanting both a career and fulfilling relationships?
I recognize and remind myself daily that what people do to me, against me and for me, be it negative or positive, isn’t really about me. It’s always about them. Regarding my life in this manner, keeps me from becoming prideful, needy, selfish and manipulative. I “do my best to” immediately pray for people who attack me or I find myself “reacting” rather than “responding” to. I also make an intentional commitment to listen to people and always say “thank you for sharing!” This comment gives me the space to respond in a manner that’s appropriate, respectful and honoring. I’m not perfect at it because I am HUMAN, yet the key is to stay at it so I can grow and encourage the growth of others. I believe most people go through life and don’t know themselves.
Because they don’t know who they are, it causes all sorts of problems within themselves as well as with others. Since I regularly engage in learning about myself, surround myself with friends and mentors who honestly speak to the circumstances in my life, it enables me to a) take small actions to begin resolving problems as they arise; b) properly evaluate negative perceptions of events and the high expectations of others as they arise.
What daily habits do you think help or hurt your personal relationships?
I’ve taken peoples “baggage” personally. I haven’t ALWAYS listened and responded to individuals in ways, which will benefit the person who shares. For instance, far too many people have perceived my humility as a point of weakness, rather than inherent strength that’s to be celebrated and nurtured. Those that do ultimately find themselves missing out on some of the most unique opportunities to grow in relationship with me and in their life overall. This type of individuals also overlooks the opportunity to meet the needs of others as well as challenge wrong ulterior motives, which often fuel needless disappointments.
How do you decide what’s important to you or prioritize your attention and energy?
I pre-plan. I use an iPad app that helps me stay organized. I use a mind-map system that puts all the tasks in one place so I can always see where all of the tasks listed are headed.
It’s my minimal investment for internal and external motivation.
I land all of my documents, recordings & follow up inquiries into Evernote. EVERNOTE.COM provides an easy to track system that allows me to view documents with a few clicks.
I also make certain to surround myself with individuals and circumstances where I’m not the smartest person. Its imperative to my personal and professional advancement to be surrounded by people who think differently, who challenge the status quo, who mentor me and who are at a different stage of life than myself. It definitely feels intimidating at times, yet the benefits always outweigh the fear.
I also am extremely grateful. Gratitude that’s tangible goes a long way. I’m a stickler for composing hand written notes, watching what people like and acquiring those sorts of items for them. I also am strategic in asking for favors and feedback. Its imperative to make deposits before making withdraws in relationships.
Lastly, I am committed to treating my relatives and friends with the identical respect I extend in the workplace. Nothing is more disappointing than seeing someone so kind to strangers and so disrespectful to their co-workers. It leaves a mark that’s not easily forgotten. I summarize it this way, “I never advertise in the storefront, that which isn’t in the storehouse.”
I also tell myself to “love my enemies” because they force me into maturity, focus, and compassion.
What do you specifically look for in a partner or want to avoid in a partner as a professional woman?
Someone whose life is congruent. Does everyone say the same thing about them? Do they honor their commitments? Do they respond to others and themselves with compassion? Are they loyal for the long haul? How do they respond to correction?
Those are the things I look for after all other things are equal. Sure it’s important that the person have the particular skill set I’m looking for, yet I see it as equally important to make certain they are the whole package. It takes too much energy dealing with individuals who are brilliant, yet un-teachable, selfish and refuse to actively encourage others.
What advice would you give to a professional woman regarding intimate relationships?
Respect yourself and who you are in relationship with. Know what you want and go for it. I remember when I ended a 13-year relationship that didn’t lead to marriage. I took an honest look in the mirror and asked myself how I, miss wonderful Kasmin can be in a relationship that didn’t lead to marriage for so long. I then made a list of what I would intentionally work on before putting myself on the market again.
When I re-entered the dating scene I was clear on what I wanted. I also communicated my needs and desires to my spouse at the onset of our relationship to make certain I didn’t spend another 13 years going around the mountain. I cut out 6 pictures of a wedding ring I wanted created. I knew the minimum dimensions of diamonds, the place I wanted to live with my spouse, the way I wanted to be treated and the pre-work involved in my relationship.
I got what I wanted!
Being on the other side of the marriage as a wife, I also see its imperative to be intentional about pre-negotiating ways to keep one another each others priority above all else…even the KIDS! Yes even the kids. Kids, adult kids included, need positive role models in their parents. In doing so, you give one of the greatest gifts to the world: well adjusted citizens who know how to think about the needs of others and positively contribute to the relationship with self and others.
If you’re interested in finding out more about Dr. Kasmin Boswell-Delgado you can visit her website at http://mojoforlifechange.blogspot.com/. Mojo for life change is a resource, which provides real answers for real life. It is a community resource for individuals committed to permanent life change.
You can also email Kasmin, if you are interested in her services. Her contact information follows:
Dr. Kasmin Boswell-Delgado
kasminboswell@gmail.com
Career & Relationship Advice for Women by Women: Lynn Zettler CEO of LifeAction Coaching, Inc.
Career and Relationship Advice for Women by Women is a series of stories and experiences from professional women navigating both career and personal success. We believe it’s important to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. Maybe, you will be inspired by the courageous actions of others to fulfill their dreams. Hopefully, you will be able to breakthrough any limitations that are self or other imposed and learn from other women’s real life successes and challenges.
Nobody is perfect and none of these stories are a cookie cutter blue print for what you should do. Feel free to pick out the parts that mean something to you and throw away the rest. We are a community of professionals supporting each other throughout the process of discovering what works best and what doesn’t. Come Join Us.
Enter, Lynn Zettler, CEO of LifeAction Coaching Inc.
What is Your Specific job title and what field are you in?
I just recently left a corporate job of 20 years and am now CEO of LifeAction Coaching, Inc. an Executive and Professional Coaching firm. My corporate position was the Global Leader for Intellectual Property Portfolio Development at a Fortune 100 Company. I was the leader of a team which managed the patent and agreement portfolios for several global businesses.
As a professional woman, what have been the 2 or 3 biggest challenges you have faced in striving for success both professionally and personally?
Setting very strong boundaries around my time and in how I allowed others to treat me as a professional. Early in my career, when my children were younger, I was very protective of my time and had a very rigid schedule that kept me very disciplined. I gave my all at work during the day, but made sure I left on time to be there for my children. This is not to say I didn’t bring work home, but it was a constant balancing act and there were never ending choices that needed to be made.
I also learned that when there were times when I felt that I wasn’t heard, I was disregarded or belittled in some way, it was always better to address the issue head on in a calm, rational way. Calmly pointing out the behavior that I found unacceptable and explaining my perception worked well and I actually have several close friends today because of those types of conversations. Perception feedback is not always communicated in a helpful way. They appreciated the feedback and made immediate changes in their behavior towards me and towards others.
What do you do to take of yourself emotionally?
I think it’s very important, (imperative!) to have some kind of outlet. For me it was working out every day at lunch. That was my time and break from the stresses of the day to let off some steam, or have some creative thinking time. I also have a very supportive spouse who listens to me and acts as my emotional barometer. Friends who are good listeners have been immensely helpful as well.
If you were to do it all over again, what would you do differently in your intimate relationships?
Yes, I would have learned early on not to be such a control freak. Being more receptive of your partners priorities, thought patterns and needs, will actually bring you closer together. I thought he had to think like me. Turns out, I’m really glad he doesn’t!
As a professional woman, what do you think you consciously do that helps your personal relationships?
My personal relationship with my spouse is always number one. My personal relationships with others may suffer a little. Making the time for others is really critical here, but also being selective about the number of personal relationships that you can successfully manage. Sometimes, there are just too many people who want your time and you have to make some hard choices in order to have a balanced life.
What daily habits do you think help or hurt your personal relationships?
Overcommitting my time, or making promises I can’t or don’t keep. Always under promise and over deliver at work and in life!
What kind of support system would you recommend in helping a woman succeed professionally and personally?
Find a mentor or a coach. This can be someone within your organization, a friend, a partner/spouse or a hired coach. Have someone that you can bounce ideas off of, talk through issues and talk about your goals. Surround yourself with positive minded people who are genuinely interested in your success.
How do you decide what’s important to you or prioritize your attention and energy?
I think it’s important to have a vision for your life and what you want it to look like, from many different angles, i.e. personal, professional, spiritual, intellectual, etc. Once you know what you want, you can use that as a measuring stick for prioritization. Instead of taking on everything that comes your way, ask yourself “How does this fit in with the vision that I have for my life?” If it doesn’t fit, either you need to change your vision (because you really want to do it) or it’s not a priority to be addressed.
What kind of self-care do you practice?
I am very regimented about exercise on an almost daily basis. I take numerous vacations with my husband and family to recharge. I’m also regimented about my annual checkups, and my dental and eye exams. Every year on my birthday is my reminder to make my appointments. I make sure I get at least 7 hours of sleep every night. I want to be at my best and I love my sleep.
If you’re interested in finding out more about Lynn you can visit her website at www.lynnzettler.com or follow her on facebook or twitter. You can also Sign up for her free monthly newsletter.
Lynn Zettler
The Personal Coach with the Corporate Experience
LifeAction Coaching
Carmel, IN
lzettler@indy.rr.com
317-815-4647
www.lynnzettler.com
Sign up
for Lynn’s free monthly newsletter!
